Taking it back…taking it ALL back

I recently realized how my depression has made me stop enjoying things that I used to love. Dating someone for more than four years, it often becomes hard to separate things that were once part of ME and not the collective US.  Things that used to make me happy were too closely associated with our relationship, so I stopped doing them, caring about them, acknowledging them, or letting them be part of my life.  Why should I let my ex take hobbies from me because he was a douche? I loved them before he came along and I plan to well after he is just a distant memory (please G-D, turn him into a distant memory, pretty please?).

I’m taking back all those activities, hobbies, things that I’ve given up over the past year to spare myself some heartache. He’s already taken so much from me emotionally that I REFUSE to give up anything else. I’m taking it back; I’m taking it all back.

Penn State Football

penn state logoThe Ex didn’t go to Penn State. He became a fan because I was a huge fan.  He’d been to a few games with me and we’d both joined a local Penn State Alumni chapter in Florida. Together, we went to watch games, threw Penn State parties and discussed (worshiped) the team. Long before the ex existed in my world, I was a huge Penn State Fan. I went to nearly every game. I went on road trips to see them play. I met Joe Paterno. I painted my face. I cheered on my team. I went to one of the best colleges…he did not do any of these things. So why did I stop watching games, stop turning on sports center in the morning to hear the latest, and stop reading news articles about the team and the school? The simple answer is it hurt. It hurt because he shared my passion for Penn State and honestly I didn’t even realize that I was subconsciously giving it up. I just stopped doing everything that I used to do for my team and school – that is until now. I’m taking back my love for Penn State. I’m taking back my school spirit. I will cheer on my team and hold my head high. I will continue to be a crazy fan for the school that I love…For the Glory.

Phillies Baseball

Phanatic and world seriesThis probably applies to most Philadelphia sports, but it has been especially upsetting regarding the Phillies. I heart the Phillies something fierce. One of my favorite past-times is going to baseball games – I just love the atmosphere. My ex was never a huge baseball fan, but loosely followed the team and went to games. When I moved to Florida, we were able to go to see the Phillies in spring training. For a couple years in a row, we attended several of these games, hunted down bars that had the MLB package to watch key games, and traveled across the state to see the Phillies play against the Marlins. Our relationship ended just as the Phillies made it into the playoffs.  As the team battled it out to make it to the World Series, my ex decided to give up completely on us. I even got tickets to see game 1 of the World Series and it absolutely crushed me that after everything I couldn’t share the joy of the Phillies finally making it. I ended up bringing a friend that didn’t follow baseball at all, just to have someone go. Preseason came around this past spring and I just didn’t care. My team, who just won the World Series, was going through spring training, and I couldn’t care less. He stole my team from me. He stole my love of the game and I’m taking it back.  Plus, how can I stay away from my true love: The Phillie Phanatic.


50s woman cookingCooking isn’t something that comes easily to me and there have been more questionable dishes than successes, but I always enjoyed taking a recipe and trying it out. The ex and I, alone for Thanksgiving one year, made the whole thing ourselves. I loved every second of it, except for not having company and it just being the two of us. When I moved back to Philly, I didn’t really have the opportunity to cook until I moved into town. It has been months and the most I did was heat soup on the stove or cook/heat things in the toaster. I need to eat healthier and I need to get back to cooking, because I truly enjoyed it. Yes, now it is a bit tougher because I am cooking for one, but I am taking it back too. I want to feel the rush of success and happiness when I make a good meal for myself.

This is just the start of me taking things back. I left too much of myself in Florida. I am determined to feel whole again.

And so this leads me to update the list – adding support my teams and cooking to list to happiness.

Feel free to leave me some love, I can use it lately.


~ by BrookeLockart on October 6, 2009.

17 Responses to “Taking it back…taking it ALL back”

  1. I think every time I read your updates, I ❤ you even more. I know exactly what you are talking about here. I too have experienced the loss of ME, just so the US can be more compatible. And boy howdy, IT SUCKS. So there.

    If I had my way, you and I would be neighbors, along with all the rest of the girls. We would do random weeknight dinners together, after which we would go for night time walks and gossip like old women the whole way. And we would be getting exercise…sorta. Hmm, kinda sounds like a singles add. But Honey, I would be happy being single right along with you.


  2. I completely empathize with the core of this post. Though in my case it was never about sports and definitely not about cooking, but mostly music I’d listen to and places I’d go.

    You can let go of these things for now if you’d like, honestly whatever will make you feel better. However, in time you’ll come back to the things that you truly love and that are meant to be.

    You’ll rediscover old interests and find new ones to replace them. That’s just how things go.

    • I hear you! I am completely avoiding the entire state of Florida. The ex and I met in Roxborough, so I haven’t really been back that way either. I do sort of avoid some music, but nothing that I’m too upset over.

      Thanks for checking out the blog and sorry for my potty mouth rant about Target. 🙂

  3. YAY FOR PHILLIES LOVE AGAIN! I would like to say welcome home! Love you!! And if we cannot make any playoff games because we are poor LOL, we will just go and tailgate and experience the WIN in the parking lot. 🙂

  4. Honey girl, you are doing the toughest part of your journey right now…the beginning. I have faith in you and your abilities, and know that you’re going to be in a totally different space this time next year. Much love & light from me to you, sis. x

  5. Good for you Girlfriend! You probably never meant to be – but you’re damned inspiring! I wish there was a magic pill to just take away sh!t in your life, but honestly you seem to be handling it the healthy way. I’m proud of you, and I admire you. I wish I had the balls to change my position in life, but hey, baby steps….

    • Hopefully some of what I write here will sink into my own head! I need to start doing more activities.

      Let me know if you come across any magic pills – I’ll send my address.

  6. yay! I’m proud of you

    now cook me something


    then cupcakes

  7. It is so great that you have this ‘action plan’ toward your happiness. So many times you see people wallowing (and wallowing IS allowed, btw) but not making a plan for how to get out of their funk. You, though, have a plan to keep looking and moving forward, which is an excellent direction to go…

    yay you!

  8. Finally getting around to my reader. ugh. 🙂

    You are so awesome. I love to cook too. I do not love Penn State, but that is neither here nor there. I love you, that is what really matters 🙂 XOXO

  9. What do you want to cook? Because Mr. Kitchenette is mostly gone for dinner, so a lot of times I find myself cooking for one as well.

    xoxo heart your face

  10. I used my real name (sorta) – RISKY! 🙂

    I love that you write to us (your ebesties) on your blog and it makes me feel like we’re helping you through your process of putting yourself back together.

    You seem like such a strong person to me. It’s hard for me to see the insecurities you talk about. I love who you are. Don’t change – just show us the real you more often.

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