Confession: I am my own worst enemy

I decided to start a little bloggy series on here called Confession.  This is where I open my heart and just lay it all out on the table.

Confession: I am my own worst enemy.

I feel like a big fraud. My list is real, but most of the work that I’ve done towards the list happened months ago.  Lately I have just been depressed.  Even worse is that I know the things that usually spark my depression and I did nothing to stop it.

I’ve been completely fail at HAI #4, Get In Shape. You see, after the shocking ending of my relationship with the Uber Douche, I dropped weight pretty quickly. When I moved back from Hell to Philly, I still had  a hard time coping and the weight stayed off.  I was also exercising on a regular basis which helped. Two events happened which completely undermined my Get in Shape process: I got happier and I hurt my knee.

I got happier so my appetite came back with a vengeance (plus vendors bring us lunch all the time at my work, I have zero will power to resist cookies or brownies). As soon as I started my job in February, I found a local dance studio where I could take Adult dance lessons.  By April, I was taking dance classes a couple times a week – fulfilling yet another HAI – but it led to my knee giving out on me a couple times. I had to quit dancing, go through what seemed liked a zillion doctor appointments and finally physical therapy. During this time period, I became lazy, unmotivated, moody and ultimately a sloth.

Not quite what I meant by sloth

Not quite what I meant by sloth

I’ve gained 20 pounds since I’ve moved back to Pennsylvania and it has started yet another awful cycle of guilt, remorse, sadness, depression and finally eating my feelings.  I even joined a really posh gym, thinking it’s so expensive I’ll have to go…yeah, haven’t gone in months. FAIL (a really expensive FAIL at that).

My problem is laziness.  I have all the best intentions but when it comes down to it I am flat out lazy. My therapist cleared me to do low impact exercises and I have done squat. I am paying insane amounts of money for this gym and I’m not going.

This is going to change. I have to make it change. I am becoming miserable again and I refuse to let myself become a recluse (oddly that life style had suddenly become appealing in my spiral of depression). Luckily, a good friend Bekah decided to be my accountability partner (<–haha).  I promised to hit the gym twice before Sunday.  That girl is super driven and well, she’ll beat me up over gchat if I don’t go (and she knows where I live, she may just show up)

I signed up for Weight Watchers online today to help with the healthy eating and no more starving myself then binge eating. I’m going full out lifestyle change here.

I hold my future happiness in my hands. This is truly up to me and I want to see it through.

Oh, I will be posting about my trip… no worries. I promise some great recaps!


~ by BrookeLockart on September 24, 2009.

13 Responses to “Confession: I am my own worst enemy”

  1. Its totally normal to have a really expensive gym membership & not use it! I have one too, LOL

    An accountability partner maybe just what you need. It always helps to have someone there willing to make you feel guilty for skipping out on your obligations. Maybe after a couple of weeks you will become so addicted to all those good endorphines working out supposedly releases, that you’ll want to go on a regular basis 😀

  2. I so feel your pain about the whole weight gain thing! I too have put on about 25-30 pounds the last year, due to pretty much being lazy as hell, and, oh yeah, dealing with an alcoholic spouse and pot head son! So I’m trying to get myself motivated to move (off the couch, actually) and get active. I haven’t joined a gym – I can’t force myself to pay that when I have a treadmill at home, Wii Fit, Wii Personal Trainer, and oh yeah, a Golds Gym set that I bought THREE YEARS AGO that is still in the box. #NoLie. Keep updating – maybe your journey will be motivating enough to make it my journey too! Much love to you from a Twitter/Twilight gal…..

  3. You were one of my inspirations for contacting Moon & UC about doing an LTT Biggest Loser of sorts. I have goals and wanted to loose weight or get organized or be a better person and my “goal date” was the opening of New Moon. Sure it’s only 50 some days away but I have reasons I want to change and be better and make new habits. I hope you can find the support you need to be the best you you can be. If I can help as I work on my own trials and goals let me know. xo emme

  4. We didn’t really talk this accountability thing through in detail…. did I tell you how it works?

    I encourage you to work out, and kick your ass when you don’t… and you send me cupcakes.


    Send me a cupcake.

  5. WW rules. i love 20+lbs on it and need to get my ass back on that wagon. you CAN DO IT! I believe it and will be an encourager to help along the way! let’s rule the WW together!


  6. I also signed up for WW!! Oh and when I come to visit after the Sam show, or something (after waking up and having my bacon infused vodka) we can hit your posh gym together! I don’t mind the $5 or whatever guest fee. It will be fun.

  7. Good for you! Too bad you can’t get a dog – Smudge has been about the only thing keeping me in shape. Nothing worse than sad puppy dog eyes begging you for a walk to guilt you into exercising.

    Develop a food allergy – that helps too. Not just seafood or strawberries – like a full blown “can’t eat anything with eggs and peanuts” kind of allergy. That would pretty much eliminate eating anything but carrots and chocolate (straight from the bean of course).

    But seriously, good luck. I know all too well from post-pregnancy that’s it’s sooo much easier to put it on then it is to take it off!

  8. I’m a fraud, too.
    Cause I’ll eat healthy for like…2 hours or something. It is hard work, you know? I mean, 2 hours is 120 minutes of eating Grape Nuts and apples and almonds and shiz like that.

    But then the chips & salsa and Pacifico call out to me. And I have to answer, because I’m a southern belle and we’re polite 90% of the time.

    I will encourage you. I will say, “Hey BROOKIE–let’s NOT eat cupcakes for an entire week and we will rule the universe like She-Ra!”

    Which won’t be hard for me, as I do not care for cupcakes.
    The end.

  9. Just have to say that all of you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. And I failed yet again today when they sat a nice moist and delicious birthday cake – well it was congratulations – to all the people who got promoted and had birthdays recently. Not sure why I got put down in front of me but, I caved. I now have enough points left to have celery for dinner.

    Good thing I’m hitting the gym tonight… sigh. Well, I suppose that’s why we get those extra points for use during the week.

    Once again. You girls rock.


  10. So far, I’ve been going to: aerobics, pilates, stretching, yoga, pump, classic fitness and tae-bo classes and I preferred the last one. But I’m so laaaaazy and sometimes I just don’t want to go.

    The best workout : dance through the night in a nightclub. You get to buy new clothes (because you don’t want to be seen in the same clubbing gear all the time), meet old friends, meet new cute guys, have fun.

    With no smoking policy in the clubs and without drinking alcohol, it’s actually a healthy workout!

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