Endearingly Disorganized – The List has been updated

While rummaging through the disaster area known as my bedroom (which clearly had a level F2 tornado hit it while I was sleeping), I discovered one of the original copies of the list. To my dismay, I discovered that I left two, very important happiness action items (HAI) from my posted list.

12. Get Organized

13. Volunteer

I am not blind to the irony of #12. Obviously, I am way behind on this HAI. Like anyone running behind on some to-do list, I have my excuses:

BLAME THE STEP MONSTER MOM

Someone please buy me this book, stat!

Someone please buy me this book, stat!

My father and I came to live at my step mom’s house when I was around 8-years-old. I was only allowed to bring a few toys and other possessions over from my old house since I had to share a room with my step sister for six months until the house was remodeled (basement turned into a bedroom for the step brother). When I finally got my own room and eagerly awaited the return of my most prized possessions, I was told that all of my things were thrown out. Some lame excuse was made about things getting moldy in a garage. Like any normal person, I took this experience and compensated with a healthy hoarding complex.  Combine my hoarding disorder with being extremely sentimental and you can start to imagine my current  room. The insanity of the step mom does not end there… (actually it doesn’t even end at this topic, but that’s for another day).

Any 8-yr-old's worst nightmare

Any 8-yr-old's worst nightmare

See the step mom was a control freak and extremely anal. It was expected that my room be spotless 24/7. Not only did she have abnormal expectations for an 8-yr-old girl, but she would make things even more challenging. Friggin porcelain unicorns everywhere. Little tiny figurines are not easy to dust!  I also had a daybed, which had a cream-colored coverlet and matching pillows. I had to make this bed everyday, so I had the sheets, the comforter, the coverlet, the matching pillows, then the six or seven throw pillows that were added as decoration. I was not allowed to actually sit on my bed.  If I wanted to sit on my bed, I was to remove the pillows, place to the side and fold back the coverlet to sit on the comforter below. INSANITY.

My step mom and my dad decided to buy me new furniture for my bedroom when I was about 9 or 10. This was another crazy mind-fuck game devised to set me up to fail. You see, along with this set, came a desk. I was supposed to work at this desk, but not allowed to write on it – not it, but on a paper on the desk.  I had to make sure that anything that I was doing, homework, coloring, drawing, etc, was done on the blotter. This was an insane amount of pressure to an elementary-aged child. Needless to say, I would always get caught NOT writing on the blotter.  I have a clear memory of signing a birthday card, leaning on my bureau , the step mom walking in and me getting reamed out.

Simple Desk Blotter Pad or Mind Game?

Simple Desk Blotter Pad or Mind Game?

I was a mostly ‘A’s student in school, did not get in trouble, did as I was told (for the most part), but I was often on punishment. Why? Cause I’d leave a books out or some item wasn’t put away properly, a stack of papers on my desk…didn’t matter. If anything was out of the proper place, I got in trouble.  As a very self-aware and somewhat intelligent youngin, I rebelled against her insanity and would leave out whatever asinine item I was being told to put away. Yup, grounded. A lot.

As soon as I went away to college, it was like 10 years of pent up rage exploded in the form of my level F2 tornado hit room. I hate being messy. I hate others seeing my mess and yet I cannot keep my room clean for more than two days. I have anxiety over my messy room and finally decided that I need to find a healthy balance between my childhood and how I am living now. Thus #12 was born.

I have officially put it out there for the universe and will do my best to fulfill this HAI.

The second HAI that I forgot is #13, volunteer.  Although I have had a tough life in many ways, I realize that I still have so many blessings.  I’d really like to be able to help others in some small way.  Let them know that there are people out there that care and they are not alone in the world. I have put some feelers out there on the volunteer front and will be sure to keep everyone posted.

Phew…Feeling like a huge weight has been lifted, now that everyone knows that I am a recovering slob.

Was I just being a snotty stepchild or was the step monster mom truly insane?

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~ by BrookeLockart on August 29, 2009.

24 Responses to “Endearingly Disorganized – The List has been updated”

  1. Can I meet her? The step mom? Maybe just send her a nice email. No MOTHER acts that way. I feel so sad for you….I know you’re not looking for pity but man, no child deserves to grow up that way. It’s just sad for me. Sad that she’d treat another human that way, and a child of the man she supposedly married and loves, which is a PART of him. Personally, I would have rebelled the same way and done things to piss her off as I got older because she’s clearly batshit.

    I’m very OCD but with myself mainly. I check/recheck locks etc. I do like things in a certain order but I’m not militant about it. Right now, you’d never know because my house looks like a hurricane hit it. Good luck with the volunteering thing. I do a lot but I could do more. It’s a work in progress to keep myself in check and organized. I try to implement the ‘buy one thing, get rid of another at home’ as often as I can. It has helped.

    • Thanks fluffer! Oh god, this only scratches the surface. There will be more to come, it unsurprising has a lot to do with my self-esteem personal issues. But I’m working through it!

  2. Step Monster is insane!

  3. I can’t even begin to tell you how funny this is!!! I came across your blog via twitter some time ago. I have no idea what maze of mirrors called the internet led me there, but then again today through a retweet of yours I find myself back at your blog. (the RT was a pic of the RPattz handbag and the comment of it being found under the bed. fantastic)

    So now I realize, hey this chick’s thoughts were meant for me to read and ponder. Glad I hit the follow button this time. Because when you see a tweet referring to the ONLY fanfic story I am addicted to, I know I made the right move. Incidentally, as I first read “The List” (yours) I wondered if you were aware of the awesomely smutty fanfic of the same name. Guess so.

    So, I am inspired to come up with my own “list” and I have been nagging myself for sometime now to be witty and creative as well. I should title by blog, “The Procrastinator” or something like that.

    I’ll keep you up to date on my progress.

    • Umm, i have no idea what GQ rob hangbag you are speaking about…crap, you didn’t say GQ Rob, did you? I’m soo busted. I may or may not also take part of a Twi Fan Fic blog too. However, now that I have started to blog, I imagine I’ll be doing this more than reading. Time shall tell.
      Thanks for commenting!

  4. It’s amazing the things our adult actions are responsible for when it comes to shaping the life of our children. I am always nervous that I am missing something for which my kids will suffer for later.

    the ‘home’ you describe doesn’t sound like much fun, esp for a child. I doubt it had too many forts, make believe school houses or pillow fights and that makes me sad. We can’t change the past tho, we can only learn from it. There has to be a happy balance in there somewhere …you’ll find it 😉

  5. Wow – with a stepmother like that, I seriously don’t blame you for making up for it now. I would do the same, but probably overcompensate to a crazy degree and end up a total hoarder. Such a shame that you were so strongly policed as a kid over such pointless stuff…

    Love the concept of the list. I’ve considered doing something similar, but I have a very bad habit of not following through on things :X Maybe one day I’ll get my act together enough.

    p.s. LOVED the Berenstein Bears when I was little!

  6. I don’t recall being yelled at for messiness or anything when I was younger, but there’s gotta be some reason I can never keep my room clean and D-E-S-P-I-S-E cleaning. I like things being clean, just hate being the one to clean them. 😛 Maybe it’s just my EPIC laziness. A flaw I really wish I could improve upon. Le sigh.

    P.S. So sorry again I failed at being your beta earlier. I got spontaneously busy. I will be there for you next time, any time! 🙂

  7. Wow. K.i.n.d.r.e.d. S.p.i.r.i.t.
    All I need to say is that I have a constant fear of being like one of those patients on House whose apt they break into to find the source of ‘the disease.’
    And what is it with the simultaneous hating of being messy with the incurable messiness? FIX US.
    Workin on it. 😉

  8. Yeah, totally fear being in an accident and someone having to go into my room to bring me clothing, the person then faints from the sight of my room. Part of it is definitely laziness…okay, a lot of it is laziness. I just have sooo much crap though!

    • When I get home from this trip I’m determined to go through my closet and designate stuff to sell/get rid of. You with me? I’ve been putting it over foreverrrrr.

  9. Wow. It is so great to read these comments, I’m not alone! My mom was pretty tidy, but I was allowed to have my room however I wanted it. Being astonishingly lazy, and easily distracted, and always having a million projects going, it was , and still is a messy place. I find I have a lot more things to do that are more interesting than cleaning. I keep hoping one of my kids will rebel against me and become a neat freak, but it hasn’t happened yet.

    As to your question, you were just a kid. Expecting perfection from kids is insane and as reasonable as telling the wind not to blow. sheesh.

  10. My dad was the same, but he would usually send my mom to do the punishing. Being the oldest of 6 it was my job to do the cleaning and cooking while my mom was at work. As I look around my room now ….yeah it’s definitely a mess and I like it. I would have never had it like this at my parents house. I know I’m being lazy, but I’m still making up for all the time when I had to be mom to my younger brothers and sister. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. No, I will clean up today, or tomorrow, definitely this week.

    PS. Your stepmom was insane. Like it has already been said that is no way for a child to grow up. I understand that there needs to be some discipline, but a child should be allowed to BE a child.

    PPS. I follow you on twitter. I’m glad you started this blog. You inspire me to start one of my own or a least a journal. I have issues that I know I need to work on. Thank you Brooke X

    • As I sit in my level F2 tornado disaster area of a room, i have been thinking the same thing: “No, I will clean up today, or tomorrow, definitely this week. ”

      Thanks for find me!

  11. Insane. Freaking insane. I want to slap her around a bit, then you and me can go drink wine. Oh and you can be organized without being terribly messy. Witness: my house. It’s not a disaster area, but I wouldn’t let Martha Stewart in. However, I am fairly organized. But I still wanna hit your stepmonster.

    The end.
    xoxo

    p.s. Love the Berenstain Bears. They taught my girls all about “Stranger Danger,” and how to scream, “NO! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” if some bad guy or gal ever tries to take off with them. But that’s another topic for another post. Sorry…

    • bwahaha i ❤ u and I had a ton of the Berenstain bears books too. Lets hope that I don't need to write a Strange Danger post and why that book didn't work for me 🙂

  12. Oh girl, I so feel for you on the step-mom front. My mom was (is) totally OCD on the neat/clean house and I am kind of messy by nature. So it was a constant battle of put your dishes in the dishwasher, put your laundry away, etc. Though she did get it enough to let me keep my bedroom and bathroom messy, I just had to keep the door shut. Now after hearing your story, that sounds a lot worse. Your step-monster sounds like a cold beyotch. And now makes me think that I should lighten up on my mom.
    Also? Getting organized is always 1 or 2 on my to-do list and I still struggle with it. When you get this tackled, share your insight, please!

  13. I grew up with a mom very concerned about public perception. To be fair, within our small community we were very much within the public eye and gossip fodder, and she dreaded any “dirty laundry”. It was drilled into me that if anyone was going to come into the house, it had to be CLEAN. I struggle with that, even today. I don’t think my house is terrible, but I can’t have anyone come over until it’s spotless. I have a cleaner who comes every two weeks, and it took me a year to actually get to the point where I could allow myself to let her come in and do the work without doing it myself before she got there.

    To this day, whenever my mother comes to visit me, I will clean until I’m satisfied that NOTHING needs to be done. She will come into the house and say “I noticed that the shelf above the refrigerator that no one ever opens or sees looks a little untidy and dirty. Can I clean that for you?” And I feel, once again, like I’ve failed.

    Neuroses–childhood’s lingering gift.

  14. Wow! Your step monster sounds like a piece of work. Why anyone would even make shit for a kid under 13 that is white is beyond insane. My kids don’t even own any white shirts. Too much pressure. I like the idea of the HAI bc it will let you make goals and help you be accountable (come to think of it, maybe I need my own HAI).Oh Brookie…this is gonna be good (for all of us) I can tell already 🙂

  15. I wanna punch the step monster…Brooke you are seriously one tough cookie!! I totes am not worthy!! ❤ U!! 🙂

  16. i so understand… i always had tornadoes in my room. everywhere else clean but my room: ORGANIZED CHAOS and only I got/get it. Yes, even at 34, there is still a section of my room that is chaos. it’s how i operate best, it’s my creative space.

  17. I just wonder, wot if ur step mom ends up reading this article, and goes all crazy on you…
    Is it gonna make any difference for you if at all she finds out..?
    Or does she already know tht u whack about her on ur blog..?

    • The stop mom doesn’t really surf the net, but I’m not too concerned about her finding out for a couple of reasons. The first being that I use a nom de plume and secondly, we are already not speaking – not sure where you can go from there.

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