Remember that movie about Joan Crawford where she went batshit crazy on her kids while trying to keep up appearances? Yeah, welcome to my childhood.

My step mom was Mommie Dearest. Watching that movie as a child was a chilling experience as it oddly mirrored my own life. No, my step mom wasn’t a movie star and dealing with the press, but she would be super sweet one moment and the next she way yelling, “no wire hangers!!” I actually have had my entire closet dumped out for me to put back in to her liking.

There are several more stories of why I often refer to my step mom as Joan Crawford, but I’m trying to focus on the positive here…

Since I have stopped talking to her, I’ve only had to deal with her bitch face at family events that we were both invited to. Luckily that doesn’t happen too often.

You know, I should really write a book about growing up in that house hold. I think I should at least benefit monetarily if I have to be fucked up emotionally, don’t you think?  GAH, sometimes she really gets under my skin. ARGH.

As my friend Lula says, please love me through it.

I’ve now written this introduction four times and none of it seems adequate, I will just have to leave you with this – I’m freaking glad that 2009 is over.

2009 Recap

January:

• Lived in Hell (Florida)
• Lost a bunch of weight due to severe anxiety attacks
• Left Hell for a lessor version of Hell (moved back in with my parents – that is, after begging them)

February

• Started job with former company in Center City Philadelphia
• Had major blow out fight with the Step Monster; she remains an evil bitch throughout the month.
• Took Ballet lessons along with other dance styles
• Read the entire Twilight series twice and used it as an escape from the currently hellish situation
• Had final blowout with step monster after she said that my ex was lucky to get out of the relationship with me
• Moved into Noodle’s parents house
• Discovered new addiction called Twitter

March

• Started to gain weight because anxiety attacks have stopped
• Discovered LTT and started an email friendship with UC
• Future roomie backed out of future apartment plans, stuck at Noodle’s parents for a while longer
• Booked trip to Seattle for Twitour2009/PNW trip
• Attended friend’s bridal shower and bachelorette party – stoked that no panic attack ensued
• Realized that only boys under the age of 25 are single and flirting
• Received harassing calls from the Skank (ex friend, currently with ex-fiance)
• Step Monster discovered that I am officially not talking to her, so she called to bitch me out

April

• Began making other friendships through LTT
• Knee gave out, can’t dance
• Found an apartment in Center City through Craig’s list with a cool roommate
• Uber Douche and the Skank both called and harassed me, resulting in me changing  my phone number
• Uber Douche emailed to tell me that he cheated on me with the Skank while we were still together and that they are now engaged
• Raged, cried, and raged some more

May

• Moved into new apartment and gets along great with roomie
• Met several friends from LTT in person
• Felix was not happy with his living situation and so the litter box issues began
• Continued to gain weight although technically dieting
• One of my best friend gets married and no freak out (success!)

June

• stuff, nothing particular
• opened big mouth on twitter, but made new friends
• Pledged to make it to LA next June/July

July

• Short vacation with bestie in CT
• Gained more weight
• Had a “Eureka!” moment and secures blog name

August

• Got promoted at work, without the title or money – oh wait, that’s not a promotion
• Had mini freak-out before other bestie’s bridal shower (FUDGE!)
• Wrote first blog post!

September

• Twi-tour 2009/PNW trip and got to meet more friends from LTT
• Twi-tour successfully distracts me from the date that would have been my wedding but then…
• Bubby passed away at the age of 90 and I miss her terribly so
• Decided to stop actively perusing a relationship with step sister because she has become a step monster clone
• Gained weight on Twi-tour and from depression (what? doesn’t everyone eat their feelings?)

October

• Friend from LTT flies all the way in from Chile!
• Random run in with step mom and co at the Art Museum – VERY AWKWARD TURTLE
• Bestie from CT gets married and I have another mini freak out
• Was a reject contestant from SYTYCD for Halloween!

November

• VERY VERY DEPRESSED
• Gained more weight
• Saw New Moon with great friends
• Felix and his potty issues – damn cat
• Work sucked the life force out of me

December

• Gave up on diet when work vendors delivered delicious gourmet desserts on a near daily basis to office
• Dreaded holidays with nothing to do
• Noodle invited me up to NYC for Jewmas!
• Booked a plane ticket for my next vacation to Los Angeles
• Took an amazing trip to Dublin where I finally get kissed and like most boys that flirt with me, he’s under 25

So there it is folks. Definitely some bright spots in my year, but overall it hurt. Sometimes I felt so alone and abandoned.  I only hope that I push myself and become more active, find more things that I like, and really start liking the person that I am. 2010, I’m ready for you.

After receiving  an amazing deal alert from my DC friend, I called up Noodle and my niece (who is 20) about accompanying DC friend and me to Dublin. The rest of this story can be told visually:

Burning fuel with loopty-loops off the US coast so we can land and take another plane.

No thank you, Mr. Air France, we would not like to take the 9pm flight to Dublin and wait in the airport for another 6 hours. Hook a sista up, hotel stay and fly out the next morning. We’ll find something to do…

Irish Pubs for New Year’s Eve (lots of beer and Bailey’s but not together because they don’t do that there, duh).

Perhaps some drunk kissing as it snowed, by the river and it was good.

Officially certified to pour the perfect pint of Guinness.

Brought back more than some souvenirs from Dublin (stupid cold).

I had a great time over in Dublin and didn’t mind the detour in Paris at all. Actually, happy to report that although I’ve lost most of my French vocabulary, I still have a decent accent!

Will do a follow-up post soon with my New Year Resolutions, which sort of resembles my list…

Aah, the Christmas season – families decorating their tree, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, leaving cookies out for Santa and some carrots for Rudolph and his reindeer friends. Christmas is about togetherness, it’s about love, and it’s about celebrating the birth of the Baby Jee.

But what about us lonely Jews?

This is NOT Jewmas - this is just wrong.

We get none of that. No tree. And let me stop you now -  don’t even try to pull that Hanukkah Bush bs on me. It’s a lie. There were no trees in the desert. There was one bush, and it burned. Thanks Moses, way to cockblock our holiday fun. Yes, we do have eight nights of presents, but really, once you’re older then say 8 years of age that gets thrown out of the window too. Parents start to pull this  “one present for all of Hanukkah” crap once they realize that you’re on to them. There’s no mad rush at the crack of dawn to some glorious present-wielding foliage. NO. Once present, a night and not until AFTER candle lighting and praying and general Jewishness.

NOT ANYMORE MY FRIENDS. Meet Jewmas: A Nondenominational Jeebus free celebration of a Christmas-like nature.  Yes friends, Brooke and I have invented a holiday that combines the best of both worlds. You can still light the menorah with the best of them in early December, and now, with Jewmas, you can also fully appreciate the beauty of the Xmas tree. Jeebus didn’t have one, and neither do you, but now that won’t prevent you from ogling the shiny.

Jewmas is a truly secular celebration. Make a special meal, have a holiday cocktail. Maybe watch A Christmas Jewmas Story on the TV. Whatever you want, it’s your new holiday to do with as you please, and that’s the true joy of the Jewmas. It’s by Jews, for Jews, and for you (if you’re not Jewish)!

For Jewmas 2009 (the Inaugural Jewmas) Miss B and I will be gathering in the fabulous city of New York (at my home) with my two kitties. There are big plans: the tree at Rockefeller Center, ice skating in Central Park, cookie baking. More cookie baking!  Also, we’ll be baking cookies. There might also be peppermint fudge. Jewmas is really about the food.  And friends. And fun. Just like Christmas, but without the nativity scene.

If that’s a little too much, feel free to take baby steps: watch the Macy’s Christmas Parade, or eat a tree shaped cookie. Or, if all else fails, celebrate old school: Chinese food the movies. ‘Cause that’s what‘s open.

What’s most important is that you embrace the holiday spirit and create for yourselves a little Jewmas miracle.

From the both of us, Happy Christmas and Merry Jewmas! MWAH!

Last week alone, we had a vendor lunch or dinner four out of the five work days. On top of those decadent meals around the city, we had other vendors sending us gourmet chocolates, cookies, cakes, snacks, etc.

Work paid for our lunches today — cheese steaks. I opted for the semi-healthier route by going for the Chicken Cheese steak, but was ultimately fail when these arrived:

This heavenly goodness went directly to my ass

All my will power went out the window and I ate three.  Hope’s Cookies are the most delicious baked items that ever existed and I will experience diet fail every time I am within 100 feet.

Guess I know what will be included in my New Year’s Resolution, again.

So since the diet restarts in 2010, does this mean I can eat more tomorrow? *fantasizes about mouth-watering cookies*

I was totally fail with updating the blog and working on me.

Saying that I’ve been in a rut would be the understatement of the century and while I could fill this space with hyperbole after hyperbole, I’m going to keep this post brief.

I need to keep writing posts and blog because it helps me process my thoughts and feelings. My posts may not be as long as the previous few, but I should be able to post more often.

Nothing says self-deprecation like a Fail Hat

A quick update into my life:

Roommate and I switched rooms at the beginning of the month so I could have more space and keep Felix the cat in my room when he goes anti-social on the other cats.  I still haven’t put everything away, and um… it’s three weeks later.  Yeah, I know, I’m failing at the Get Organized HAI (Happiness Action Item for those who forgot, cause I almost did)! G-d, sometimes I hate my own perky list.

Until the next time (soon, I hope)…

I’m taking back all those activities, hobbies, things that I’ve given up over the past year to spare myself some heartache. He’s already taken so much from me emotionally that I REFUSE to give up anything else. I’m taking it back; I’m taking it all back.

Penn State Football

The Ex didn’t go to Penn State. He became a fan because I was a huge fan.  He’d been to a few games with me and we’d both joined a local Penn State Alumni chapter in Florida. Together, we went to watch games, threw Penn State parties and discussed (worshiped) the team. Long before the ex existed in my world, I was a huge Penn State Fan. I went to nearly every game. I went on road trips to see them play. I met Joe Paterno. I painted my face. I cheered on my team. I went to one of the best colleges…he did not do any of these things. So why did I stop watching games, stop turning on sports center in the morning to hear the latest, and stop reading news articles about the team and the school? The simple answer is it hurt. It hurt because he shared my passion for Penn State and honestly I didn’t even realize that I was subconsciously giving it up. I just stopped doing everything that I used to do for my team and school – that is until now. I’m taking back my love for Penn State. I’m taking back my school spirit. I will cheer on my team and hold my head high. I will continue to be a crazy fan for the school that I love…For the Glory.

Phillies Baseball

This probably applies to most Philadelphia sports, but it has been especially upsetting regarding the Phillies. I heart the Phillies something fierce. One of my favorite past-times is going to baseball games – I just love the atmosphere. My ex was never a huge baseball fan, but loosely followed the team and went to games. When I moved to Florida, we were able to go to see the Phillies in spring training. For a couple years in a row, we attended several of these games, hunted down bars that had the MLB package to watch key games, and traveled across the state to see the Phillies play against the Marlins. Our relationship ended just as the Phillies made it into the playoffs.  As the team battled it out to make it to the World Series, my ex decided to give up completely on us. I even got tickets to see game 1 of the World Series and it absolutely crushed me that after everything I couldn’t share the joy of the Phillies finally making it. I ended up bringing a friend that didn’t follow baseball at all, just to have someone go. Preseason came around this past spring and I just didn’t care. My team, who just won the World Series, was going through spring training, and I couldn’t care less. He stole my team from me. He stole my love of the game and I’m taking it back.  Plus, how can I stay away from my true love: The Phillie Phanatic.

Cooking

Cooking isn’t something that comes easily to me and there have been more questionable dishes than successes, but I always enjoyed taking a recipe and trying it out. The ex and I, alone for Thanksgiving one year, made the whole thing ourselves. I loved every second of it, except for not having company and it just being the two of us. When I moved back to Philly, I didn’t really have the opportunity to cook until I moved into town. It has been months and the most I did was heat soup on the stove or cook/heat things in the toaster. I need to eat healthier and I need to get back to cooking, because I truly enjoyed it. Yes, now it is a bit tougher because I am cooking for one, but I am taking it back too. I want to feel the rush of success and happiness when I make a good meal for myself.

This is just the start of me taking things back. I left too much of myself in Florida. I am determined to feel whole again.

And so this leads me to update the list – adding support my teams and cooking to list to happiness.

Feel free to leave me some love, I can use it lately.

Confession: I am my own worst enemy.

I feel like a big fraud. My list is real, but most of the work that I’ve done towards the list happened months ago.  Lately I have just been depressed.  Even worse is that I know the things that usually spark my depression and I did nothing to stop it.

I’ve been completely fail at HAI #4, Get In Shape. You see, after the shocking ending of my relationship with the Uber Douche, I dropped weight pretty quickly. When I moved back from Hell to Philly, I still had  a hard time coping and the weight stayed off.  I was also exercising on a regular basis which helped. Two events happened which completely undermined my Get in Shape process: I got happier and I hurt my knee.

I got happier so my appetite came back with a vengeance (plus vendors bring us lunch all the time at my work, I have zero will power to resist cookies or brownies). As soon as I started my job in February, I found a local dance studio where I could take Adult dance lessons.  By April, I was taking dance classes a couple times a week – fulfilling yet another HAI – but it led to my knee giving out on me a couple times. I had to quit dancing, go through what seemed liked a zillion doctor appointments and finally physical therapy. During this time period, I became lazy, unmotivated, moody and ultimately a sloth.

Not quite what I meant by sloth

I’ve gained 20 pounds since I’ve moved back to Pennsylvania and it has started yet another awful cycle of guilt, remorse, sadness, depression and finally eating my feelings.  I even joined a really posh gym, thinking it’s so expensive I’ll have to go…yeah, haven’t gone in months. FAIL (a really expensive FAIL at that).

My problem is laziness.  I have all the best intentions but when it comes down to it I am flat out lazy. My therapist cleared me to do low impact exercises and I have done squat. I am paying insane amounts of money for this gym and I’m not going.

This is going to change. I have to make it change. I am becoming miserable again and I refuse to let myself become a recluse (oddly that life style had suddenly become appealing in my spiral of depression). Luckily, a good friend Bekah decided to be my accountability partner (<–haha).  I promised to hit the gym twice before Sunday.  That girl is super driven and well, she’ll beat me up over gchat if I don’t go (and she knows where I live, she may just show up)

I signed up for Weight Watchers online today to help with the healthy eating and no more starving myself then binge eating. I’m going full out lifestyle change here.

I hold my future happiness in my hands. This is truly up to me and I want to see it through.

Oh, I will be posting about my trip… no worries. I promise some great recaps!

This coming Sunday would have been the day that I became Mrs. Uber Douche.  All joking aside, I am still crushed over what I thought my life was going to be and I miss the man that I thought he was.  It has been an extremely rough couple of weeks leading up to this date, but like any good girl scout*, I planned a head.

Hey Seattle, I think I'm going to love you. (Shh, Don't tell Philly)

Back in March, I had just moved from my parent’s house to my bestie Noodle’s parent’s house.  I had a terrible falling out with my parents in February and lucky for me, Noodle’s parents considered me like a daughter (Noodle will often say they liked me better, I do not argue) and offered me a place to stay until I could afford to move out.  One night, I approached Noodle about going on vacation with me during Labor Day weekend to avoid me being a complete train wreck, popping pills, and ruing the day that UD was born. I explained to her how I’d love to go somewhere different, someplace I hadn’t been and obviously fun. Since I was still obsessing over Twilight, the idea of visiting the Pacific Northwest popped into my head.

Forks, LaPush, Port Angeles... OH MY!

I know deep down in my heart, that I will love Seattle. Even before Twilight, I had always wanted to go, it just seems like my kind of city. Noodle and I decided to add the Olympic Peninsula and Vancouver to our trip, and Twi-Tour 09 was born. Although this trip sounds pretty amazing as is, something even better happened since early March…

I have made amazing friends through LTT. I speak to these girls almost everyday in some form or another. One of these special ladies, is Marta.

I hear they are filming some Tween movie here.

 Marta came to visit me back in June .  She flew down from Boston to Philly to hang out with me and another great lady I met through LTT, Janetrigs! She took a chance on our friendship and it worked out wonderfully. I knew she’d love to join Noodle and Me on Twi-Tour ’09. Then we convinced Freya (another LTT bestie) to join us on at least our Seattle portion of our vacation. I did my best to convince some others to go, but time/money/controlling husbands were got in the way. I’ll forgive them someday for not joining us.

Twi-Tour ’09/Pacific Northwest Tour Itinerary

• 9/4/09  – Arrive in Seattle, Washington
• 9/7/09 – Leave for Forks, Washington
• 9/9/09 – Ferry to Victoria, Canada
• 9/9/09 – Ferry to Vancouver, Canada
• 9/12/09 – Drive back to Seattle and fly home

In honor of all of my friends new and old that are helping me get through this year, I dedicate this song to you:

It appears that I am making progress on my list!

*I was never a girl scout. I tried Daisies for a week, but who knew 5-yr-olds could be mean bitches?

This East Coaster's HELL

I never expected to experience culture shock moving within the United States. For goodness sake, I lived in France for six months while in college and I didn’t have as hard of a time adjusting! Lets just say it was very difficult for me to make friends, everything was too spread out, the pace of life was awfully slow and well, frankly, I was just too young to live in that state. I could go on and on about what I hated , but I’d like to focus more on the positive…. I got the HELL out.

As my so-called life deteriorated due to pure douchebaggery from the EX, it became apparently clear that I needed to move.  Part of me felt like a failure, for not being about to move on while still living in the state. As fate would have it lay-offs at my company forced my hand.  Luckily, I was still employed, but my small support group of friends got the axe.  My closest friend in Florida had to move across the state for financial reasons.  Fast forward six weeks, and two of my closest friends and one of my brothers (the List brother) flew down to help me move back to Philadelphia, the city I love.

I was born and raised in Philadelphia. Went away to school at Penn State, lived in France, moved back to Philly and lived in Manayunk, did my time in hell and back to Philly I went.  Now I had been thinking about moving to either Philly or DC (DC is an amazing city), but lucked out with a job in Center City Philadelphia.  I now know that I am an East Coast city girl through and through. I like the pace, the diversity of people,  being able to take public transportation, live our country’s history, eat in some of the country’s best restaurants, be close to other major cities like New York and DC.  I love Philly.  I really, truly do!

And since I feel like a girl in love…I’d like to share some amazing pictures of my city.

The Ben Franklin Parkway was designed to emulate the Champs-Élyées (I still remember my French accent keyboard shortcuts! kudos to me).

Aerial View of the Art Museum, Ben Franklin Parkway and the cityscape

Credit: Photo by B. Krist for GPTMC – Source: GoPhila.com

The beautiful Center City Philadelphia skyline from the Schuylkill (Pronounced Skoolkill) River.

I LIVE IN THIS CITY! AMAZING

Photo by B. Krist for GPTMC – Source: GoPhila.com

Aww, the city loves me back! This is Love Park, you may have seen this as my Avatar from time to time.

Love Park!

Credit: Photo by J. Smith for GPTMC – Source: GoPhila.com

Now that I have shared some amazing photos of Philadelphia with you and a little bit of my love for the city, I am happy to say this one is crossed off the list.

Florida, sorry that I hate you so, but don’t worry people are getting closer to death each year and making you their home.

Anyone else hatin’ on Florida? Do you love Philly too?